Finding the middle

It has been awhile since I have posted anything. I think it was mostly because I didn’t want to come across as the ” poor me ” person, who wants everyone to feel sorry for.  I’ve also not been posting a lot on facebook, there I feel the same way. I don’t want to become too overbearing  to my friends. Even though the majority gets worried when they don’t see anything from me for awhile.

A lot has happened in the last few months. I’ve had another surgery to shorten nerve endings in my stump and bury them deeper so I am not so sensitive to touch anymore. The skincraft got fixed and the stump was rounded out so it will be better to deal with when it is time to get started with the fitting of a prosthetic. I was so amazed of how it looked when the bandage was removed, I was unable to say anything and it took a lot for me not to start crying. I really have to give my Surgeon lots of props for doing such an excellent job. I am really fortunate that he stuck with me and not hand me off to another doctor on the day of the accident, when they paged a hand and wrist surgeon and he answered the call and walked into a mess.

I am still dealing with a bad shoulder. Had a second steroid injection. but my outward motion with my arm is still the same. But I got approved to see a Chiropractor and see if there is anything he can do.

I also in my infinite stupidity decided to get off my medications, and that went so wrong. No sleep, constant phantom pains and aches made the days and nights miserable. At first I thought I was just a little funk I was stuck in, and that it would go away and that I had to get thru it, but that wasn’t the case. I went on my trip to visit family out west, thinking that it will give me renewed energy and I will come back with a better attitude but no dice. I enjoyed myself and had a great time, but once I returned home it was the same ole thing.  And then in my psych session I was told that getting off my meds ( after I came clean about it ) was not a good idea and to get back on it. Since then I’ve been sleeping better again and I have a better handle on the phantom pains.

I’ve also joined a amputee group on facebook. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I needed to have a little more support from people that are dealing with the same issues I am. Reading their stories and getting help from them has helped also with getting my sanity back so to say.

Finding a middle ground, that I can deal with, is what I’m looking for. Not going from a high to a low and back, like a roller coaster. For some one that feels the need to handle things her own way, it is hard not to have any control over the emotional outbursts or the daily situations. Everyone thinks that I am this strong woman and will conquer this, just like I have everything else that life has thrown at me. But this is isn’t easy, and I still have a long way to go to be the strong woman I once was.

On another note, my daughter is home for a vacation and it is so wonderful to have her here. And it feels good to hear noises in this house and being a mom again, even though she is all grown up. Gives me some sense of purpose/usefulness.  Anyway yesterday we went out for dinner and we had to wait for a while to be seated. And there was this family with their 3 small kids also waiting. And one of the boys, I think he was about 5 if not 6 years old stood next to me, and I expected to hear the ” Mom, look she has no hand ” bit, and it’s understandable with little ones. But he looked at me and then touched my stump and rubbed it. Almost like he was trying to say it’s ok. Or he had to check to make sure my hand wasn’t hidden and it wasn’t some strange magic act, either way, it took me by surprise but I smiled at him and it’s like he understood and didn’t mind me not having a hand and didn’t get weirded out. I guess there is something about the innosense of little kids.

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