The last couple of weeks, since Easter when I saw my arm, it has just been one emotional roller coaster for me. There are moments that I remember something of my past and I start crying. Then there was the moment when I realized I lost my beautiful hand writing, and I cried again.
The frustrations that set in when I can’t open something even when I hold it in between my legs. I get so mad that I feel like just throwing it. I have to go to the store always thinking, is it easy for me to open or to handle.
The latest breakdown came with a thing called mirror box at occupational therapy. You look at the reflection of your other hand in a mirror attached to a box, and try to trick your brain into thinking you still have a hand to help with phantom pains. I made it 10 minutes, before I realized my right arm will never look or work like that again.
Self esteem is at a all time low. It’s not just the stares from people when they see my bandaged arm, but it is also me thinking of all the different scars I have, emotional and physical that I don’t even like looking at myself.
So yes, right now this roller coaster ride I am on is not cool at all. But according to the therapist it is all part of the grieving process that I have to get through. I am supposed to meet someone in the near future that has no limbs at all and talk to her. I am not even capable of digesting the thought of having lost one hand. How can one handle having lost all four? Usually the expression that there is always someone that is off worse then me, helps me putting it back in perspective. But right now all it does is just make me cry. Or when someone says there was a reason for this, I am not capable of seeing or finding the reasoning behind it. It literally has to jump out and bite me in my behind.
I guess we will schedule a few more sessions with the therapist. Hopefully we can get this roller coaster to stop.