Not as I had planned it..

It will be only a short time before I won’t have to wear a bandage anymore. And during the healing time the past months, I have never looked at my arm when the bandage is off. There was one incident early, just after I was home from the hospital and my daughter was here. For some reason the bandage had managed to come off during the night, and I felt that something was wrong and I opened my eyes and there it was. I looked straight at it and I freaked out and went to my daughters room and asked her to fix it. And she was like, Mom I can’t fix that. So she called the nurse, who came straight over and re-bandaged it. And that is the aweful picture I’ve had in my head all this time. So I had no desire to see it again.

I figured at my doctors visit next week, it was going to be the time, were he would say I won’t need it anymore, and that would be it. I kind off planned on it being there, with him and his nurse, whom all have just been absolutely compassionate and understanding. And I thought I would feel safe there.

This past Saturday evening, my nurse was removing the bandage, and I lifted my head with my eyes open, because something had caught my eye on the floor, and there it was. And I stared at it and all I could do is start sobbing. My nurse started to hug me and I sobbed and sobbed. I’m not sure how long she held me, I just know she finished the bandage change – quietly, with me crying.

After she had left, and I don’t think she wanted to leave me, because she is such a sweetheart, I sat in my bedroom and cried and I had all these emotions going through my head and the questions.  45 years old, with all these scares inside and out. How many more, will I have to have, before Life says okay we are done with you.

I went to bed crying, I woke up crying. I had to finally get my act together and put on a brave front for a visit with friends for Easter dinner. I got home, and called my mom, who called while I was there. And it started all over again. And this time even she felt helpless, because I could hear it in her voice that she was crying too. She is usually my go to person, the one that pulls me up and puts me back together again, but not this time. All she could tell me is to go ahead and cry.

Last nights bandage change I watched, I cried but not like the night before. My nurse called me a brave, strong person. But right now I sure don’t feel like it. Today was better, but the box of tissues is looking low, I’m planning on getting more tomorrow.

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