It has started..

Another year gone..just like that. Why is it when we are young we want to be always older? And now that I am older I just want to be smarter? 

And to start my new year, I had the severe case of forget fullness. Started Monday with my phone at home.  When it was time to go home I couldn’t find my car keys.  I searched through my entire purse, emptying contents on the desk, only to discover that I left them in the ignition. Thankfully I forgot to lock my car doors. Stopping at the Mall to buy something, reach into my purse to grab my wallet, it isn’t there. It is at work on my desk because I had to look for my keys there remember? So home I go, talking to myself on how dumb I am. And since my drivers license is in my wallet which is at work, over sudden I get paranoid and notice every cop that is out there. So I turn into a granny driver, below speed limit, turn signals, looking constantly around me, praying please let me get home. 

Next day drive to work to get wallet, again paranoid driving. Once I have the wallet, okay put the pedal to the metal and look out. Forget safety. Later the day, trip to the mall again.  Out on the road just before the highway, I think did I turn my stove off? Alrighty, not sure about that, so let’s turn around and go back and check. 

Forgot to pump my gas at the Gas station yesterday – again. But at least I remembered this time before I pulled out of the gas station and not at the second light as before. Today at the store, I had a shopping cart. The key word is had, I lost or left it somewhere between the fresh produce and the baked beans aisle and didn’t notice till I got all the way back to the eggs. 

So here is to getting older and forget fullness, I just wish it would hit me at the right time, like  when I say something totally off the wall and I can deny it, because I don’t remember. 

What do you appreciate?

Couple of days ago on Twitter someone asked the question What makes you happy and what do you appreciate? With the hashtag appreciate after it. And I answered it with a tweet that the little things make me happy and I appreciate them.

I guess everybody is different. Some people appreciate the big things in their life, others the smaller things. I have many of things that I appreciate in my Life – big and small. My kids for instance are a big thing. That I have a roof over my head, another. But it is the smaller things in between that just sometimes make you stop and think and say thank you those are the ones that we seem to forget sometimes, a smile, a hug, a ray of sunshine, a lady bug climbing up your arm. 

I suppose I have reached the age where little things like this matter now. So no matter how much you appreciate the success in your life – the big things, stop and appreciate the smaller ones too, cause without them the big ones aren’t so big anymore.

 

Advise from an old person..

Hindsight is better then foresight, they say. If you knew back then what you know now, you would have done things differently…these are some of the sayings that will come up in ones journey through Life more then they care for.

Yes, we all wish that we had the knowledge of Life right from the get go, and avoid making mistakes, but then what would we learn? In the same sense though, some things, mistakes, situations, problems could be avoided if we all just took a minute and listened to a person in our lives that may have been there, done it and knows what not to do.

I guess I’m writing this because as a middle aged mother, I’ve been there, done it and survived it. And I hope that some people will take some of the advise to good use. Here we go….

- Don’t live in the past. Look forward to the future. Life will continue running it’s course, and you might miss out on all the beautiful things that are happening right now and later. When you are old and need a hearing aid, then talk about the memories of the past – you may make an impression on a young person, who thinks you are a wise person.

- The good will outweigh the bad. Things happen, good and bad in ones life. But you cannot dwell on the bad things to a point they take up all your energy and space in your head. Focus on the positives. As tough as Life gets and throws a kink in your path, cry, be mad, you have the right to do so. But then deal with it in such a way that you will be able to put it behind you and continue enjoying the great things that do happen.

- You cannot make someone else happy, if you are not happy yourself. If you are waiting or longing for someone to make you happy, then you will be a lonely person. Happiness starts within you.

- No burden put on your shoulder is to heavy to carry. It may seem like it at times, but if that was the case, human kind would be extinct. Don’t give up. Seek help if it is too much. Look within you to find the strength to keep moving. After you have muddled your way through it and come out at the other end, you can be proud of yourself and are stronger and you may be able to help someone later in Life that is facing the same burden.

- Respect yourself. If you don’t respect yourself, you will not receive respect from others. – Respect others. This will get you respect.

- Appreciate the little things in life. We all strive for bigger and better, but don’t overlook the small things in your life that may have big surprises for you.

- Be kind. Kindness goes a long way. Sometimes we are so tied up in our own little world, we don’t realize another person just wanting our attention, a smile or a hug to make their day.

There are many more. But these will be there all our lifes. Take it from an older woman.

Best intentions

Every day I think about writing a post for this blog. But the best laid intentions to do it seem to be interrupted by other events, circumstances or as in my case, uninteresting.

I’m in the car and something comes to mind and I think “Oh I should write about that” ” Naw, boring”. Or I see something that evokes a good or bad emotion from me and I go ” Ohhh got to make a post about that”. And then I seem to forget about it, or get over it, and 2 days later it comes back to mind and I say “Nevermind”. So I call it uninteresting.

Some people write with ease, they have a thousand things and thoughts to put down, I on the other hand contemplate of what I should write about. As I am writing this, I have already re-read everything written and changed 3 sentences. Yeah that’s me.

Does one have to have a eventful life and so many interesting subjects to write about to make a few posts a week? Probably not. But I always make it harder then it has to be. Just a single thought, idea, remark is needed and viola there is a post. So get a grip dear, it’s not a memoir you are writing, just a simple post to a blog.

 

 

Living in fear?

My heart goes out to all the people in Japan that were affected by the enormous Earthquake and Tsunami that followed.  I can not imagine the fear, pain and helplessness these people are going through.

But then I read reports of people in the US going nuts and buying iodine tablets and sensors to detect radiation because of fears that they will be exposed to radiation because of the threat of a nuclear meltdown in Japan.  How scared do you have to be to do that? How much of your Life do you spend living in fear that you actually take these kind of steps to protect yourself?

A big part of this fear mongering is the media. Fear sells news, always has and always will. When reading some of these articles I have to shake my head because they never seem to fail in injecting a paragraph that promotes fear. Yes there will always will be the “What if”, but if we let the “What if” take over our lives,  our lives would be very empty.

I remember Chernobyl. I remember that we weren’t allowed to eat our homegrown veggies and fruit, that live stock wasn’t allowed to be out on the pastures, playgrounds were off limits and any outdoor activity was restricted until a complete assessment of the radioactive cloud was made as a precaution. But we didn’t stop living, we didn’t let fear take a hold of us and sealed ourselves in bunkers because of it. Life is to short, don’t live it in fear.

Making room

A few weeks back, I decided to make some changes in my personal Life that I felt were necessary for me to quiet my inner turmoil that eventually seeped outward and affected my way of dealing with people and other situations. Ultimately the results of those changes, did not completely quiet the turmoil so I had to go and take stock of what else needed to be done.
Realizing that I have become once again an Enabler was one. That was pretty tough to take, since I thought I knew how to handle it and not fall back into the same role. And even though it was not enabling in the same way as years ago, I allowed myself to become the enabler pretty much in other areas. So back to work on this one.
Going back to meditation. I’ve realized that I completely dropped meditation out of my daily life for quit some time now, heck I would say years. Remembering how good it felt and what calmness it achieved, I started back on this routine to help me find my way back to clarity.
Setting up my own personal boundaries again. Changing what crosses these boundaries and not allowing them to manifest themselves in my mind, my personal space and hinder me from progressing of quieting the turmoil within me.
Making room, letting go of things that are not mine to have or to make, things that I cannot control or change in all aspects of my daily life.
Take stock of my own faults, and recognize them at face value and work on them. Without working on them, everything else will be worthless.
” May my higher power grant me Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference.”

Leaving a void

In our life and as we get older, we learn to cope with people coming in and out of our life that shape and form us, that we learn from, that make us feel great or bad, that give us help when we need it, that love us, and some that love to hate us. And once in awhile you get lucky and you meet a Person, that turns out to be your friend forever, be it your spouse or soul mate or just someone that is a true friend.

In my Life so far, I have had many of people enter my Life that I forged great friendships with, or who just popped in to say hi and left. I should consider myself lucky that most of them stuck around and continue to be friends with. But there is always this one friendship that is extra special, that is truly the real thing.

My friend Sharron and her husband came into my life, during a time that was very turbolent. I was in process of divorcing my then husband, raised two little ones by myself, and just barely held my head above water. We met at a Bowling alley, on a Saturday morning bowling league for the kids. They were new to the area, Foster Parents to kids that were labeled as severe cases, older with their own kids grown and having families on their own. We hit it off instantly. Sharron turned out to be the supplier of candy to my daughter, and Pops who has a loud bark turned out to be a pushover. We started to spend more time together, their adopted Son went to school with my Son, and later when they adopted another child he went to school with my daughter. The kids played Baseball and Soccer together. We spend holidays together, taking turns in preparing the meals or even just ordering Subway for Easter. And even though they are devout Catholics and I am a Protestant, we never disagreed on that subject. We just clicked.
Then Pops retired from a local Company here, and they went back home to Maryland and it was very upsetting to all of us and many of tears were shed, but we promised to stay in contact through phone calls, e-mail or snail mail.
As the years progressed, our contact seem to dwindle a bit, and one day I received an e-mail that Sharron had gone through Surgery and chemo therapy for Pancreatic Cancer. It was kept pretty hush hush until then, and even with repeated calls to them and e-mails, I never got to talk to them just the kids. I kind of figured it out, they were never into accepting pity, or wanted people to feel sorry for them, plus I believed they were busy of making sure Sharron was heading in the right direction of recovery.

Then earlier this week, I recieved a phone call on my way to my daughters softball game, and it was Pops. It was so wonderful to hear his grumpy deep voice that I started to cry and was so happy to finally hear a word from them. But little did I know what news came next.

We decided to meet up the next day and catch up on our Lives and all. And as Life would have it, it always has to throw a monkey wrench into mine. My car decided not start the next day, I had to have someone take a look at it, so I was stranded at home, with no way of seeing them. Well Pops offered to come over to my house to pick me up, and believe me that when I saw him, it was like just old times. Same ole Pops with his southern accent and opinion and all. I loved it. But on our way to their friends house which they were visiting, he told me the bad news. That Sharron is at stage 4 with the Cancer and that it had metostized into her lungs. That the chemo was not doing its job anymore. How devastating, I was in shock, I didn’t want to believe it. And then I saw her, and I just lost it. It was like someone just took a piece of my heart and squeezed it really tight it hurt so bad. And she was so calm, so peaceful, and told me not to cry and we were hugging for the longest time, and I realized how much I missed her hugs, how much I missed her voice telling me it is going to be okay. The same voice that had told me that many of times before when it got tough and was there to pick me back up so I could be the person that, as she put it ” My higher Power wanted me to be”.

As we spent the evening together, I couldn’t help but realize that she and pops were at peace with her dying, both have a aura surrounding them, that just makes you feel peaceful. I wanted to be so angry but I couldn’t, all I felt was love, no anger, no disappointment, no resentment.
My kids got to see them the next day, and it was heart breaking to watch them. Alex especially. Since Sharron and Pops never had any girls, only boys, they just spoiled her rotten, and to see Sharron again, giving Alex her great hugs and encouraging her and telling her it was okay was amazing.

We have spent so far every minute we can together, to make the most out of the time they are here. We are laughing and remembering the good times and sad times that we had. And for some odd reason I couldn’t help but think, how amazing it is, that again they have re-entered my life at a time, where there is a lot of things going on, that I need strength to get through.

We want to make the most of it, come Monday they will be on their way back home. I wish I could hold on to them, and not have them leave, because I don’t want this to end, this great friendship that we have forged. I want to hold on to the kindest people that I have met, with hearts so big and so much strength, to make you feel like you can take on the rest of the world all by yourself. But that would be very selfish of me. So I have to just hold on to the memories and keep her alive in my heart and try to do my best of being the ” Person my higher power” wants me to be.

Life’s just full of it isn’t it?

So today I left my house to head on work, pretty typical morning for the exception that I did not have to take a kid to school.

I am driving down the highway when my car started making this rattling noise, the oil light came on then the battery light and my car just stalled out. Well I cruised off an Exit ramp and came to a complete stop. Light smoke started coming up from underneath my hood and a smell of something burning through the vents of the car. Pretty much right there I knew this was majorly wrong.

I called work, and a friend and the Insurance company, because I couldn’t remember if I had roadside assistance, and as bright as I am sometimes, I forgot to print out the newest Insurance coverage papers to stick into my glove compartment.

When I talked to my friend she made the suggestion that her husband, who is a mechanic by heart and knows his way around cars to come over and take a look at the car, but she asked if I saw oil on the ground, and I told her yes a few drops. And she said it looks like it is the Engine.

So the Tow truck showed up, didn’t think he was going to be there so fast. Took him not even 5 minutes to hook the car up and off back home we went. I can’t describe what I was feeling or thinking at that point. I was just numb again. I was not angry or upset just numb.

Back home, my friends husband came over took a look and gave me the bad news, it is the Engine. My options which both of them are basically junk the car or a re-build engine. Wonderful. I still owe money on the car, not sure junking it is the option, but a re-build engine is out of reach also. Not exactly swimming in $$ here. So thats when I started feeling sorry for myself.

So I curled up in a Blanket and cried and wondered what did I do wrong again to get a blow of this kind in my Life again. Then once I got over that I went into the next phase of being mad at everything including my Life.

And now I’m writing about it. Not sure if that is gonna help me. I’m kinda slipping back into the feeling sorry for myself mode again. I think I need to record myself when I give advise to someone on how to pull themselves back up and just work themselves through it, so I can listen to it.

I guess we will see what the next couple of days will bring. I have to make a decision soon, no matter what, it will cost me.

Happy 2009 !!

I am sure lots of you out there have a list made up with New Year resolutions that you are planning on doing in 2009. I have done that in years past, you know excersice more, loose weight, eat healthier, be more patient, and so on and on. But if you are like me, after 2 weeks the list went out the window and you promised to only eat half of the M&M’s then what you are eating now, or throw in the occassional diet coke.

Don’t get me wrong if a list works for you and you have success with it, I congratulate you. But for me it never worked. So this year there is no list, there are no resolutions. I am just going to live life, not outragously or on the wild side, but I am also not going to be held hostage by a list. But I am not switching over to diet coke either.   I think if you are a reasonable Adult you know what is good or wrong for you, and what you should be doing to make your life easier or better for you.

So to all of my friends out there, I wish you all a wonderful live life reasonable, use your head, list free , happy 2009 !!

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble…

Turkeyday has almost arrived, and the wild Turkey that resided behind my house at one point and time is no where to be seen. Wonder why. He was a big one too, but still could have fit into my roasting pan.

Lots of you are going to be Betty Crockers in the Kitchen today and tomorrow, and cook your little hearts out to present a wonderful meal to your family and friends. Have fun don’t threat over the small stuff, as long as the pop-up-timer on the Turkey pops up in time and the Turkey is actually done, you will be fine. A bottle of Wine while you are preparing the meal, helps too.

Enjoy the meal, enjoy the company and leave the dirty dishes for the family member that seems to know everything better and has a unwelcomed comment about every dish that is being served. That will teach them. And the bottle of wine helps too, not strangling that person from across the table.

Think about the good things that happened in your life and appreciate them. Don’t let the bad things overshadow them. Appreciate the things you have and don’t dwell on the things you don’t.

Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!