Melting away and other stuff

So I barely survived the first heatwave of the summer. And we still have a couple of months to go. I am either going to become a nudist or move to Alaska. For your sake you better hope I choose Alaska. If I would loose weight while I am sweating, I’d be out there 24/7 and have a slimming figure by the beginning of fall. But seeing that won’t happen I will try to dodge the heat as much as I can.

Seeing that I spent a lot of time indoors nowadays so I don’t melt away, I’ve been watching a lot of cooking shows on PBS. One night at 11 pm I was so fascinated with the grilling show they ran, I wanted to go outside and fire up my grill so I could satisfy my over sudden desire for grilled tuna, pineapples and chicken. I have to stop watching them, these shows just leave me hungry at the end and then I am forced to eat cookies. Or I head to the grocers the next day and buy everything under the sun and make an ungodly amount of food. So cartoons it is from now on..well right after I try the new recipe for omelets I saw Jaques cook up yesterday.

On the family side of news, kids are doing fine. Son has finished his summer classes and is finally a senior starting this fall at MSU. His main concern is now on landing a internship this semester to be able to graduate next spring. My daughter is heading back to East Lansing this fall to begin her second year. She is also moving off campus this year with a few people. She will get to experience first hand what it means to pay bills without that mysterious money tree in the backyard that she seems to think I have.

Well time to get cooking, my stomach is getting mad at me. Until the next time folks.

Leaving a void

In our life and as we get older, we learn to cope with people coming in and out of our life that shape and form us, that we learn from, that make us feel great or bad, that give us help when we need it, that love us, and some that love to hate us. And once in awhile you get lucky and you meet a Person, that turns out to be your friend forever, be it your spouse or soul mate or just someone that is a true friend.

In my Life so far, I have had many of people enter my Life that I forged great friendships with, or who just popped in to say hi and left. I should consider myself lucky that most of them stuck around and continue to be friends with. But there is always this one friendship that is extra special, that is truly the real thing.

My friend Sharron and her husband came into my life, during a time that was very turbolent. I was in process of divorcing my then husband, raised two little ones by myself, and just barely held my head above water. We met at a Bowling alley, on a Saturday morning bowling league for the kids. They were new to the area, Foster Parents to kids that were labeled as severe cases, older with their own kids grown and having families on their own. We hit it off instantly. Sharron turned out to be the supplier of candy to my daughter, and Pops who has a loud bark turned out to be a pushover. We started to spend more time together, their adopted Son went to school with my Son, and later when they adopted another child he went to school with my daughter. The kids played Baseball and Soccer together. We spend holidays together, taking turns in preparing the meals or even just ordering Subway for Easter. And even though they are devout Catholics and I am a Protestant, we never disagreed on that subject. We just clicked.
Then Pops retired from a local Company here, and they went back home to Maryland and it was very upsetting to all of us and many of tears were shed, but we promised to stay in contact through phone calls, e-mail or snail mail.
As the years progressed, our contact seem to dwindle a bit, and one day I received an e-mail that Sharron had gone through Surgery and chemo therapy for Pancreatic Cancer. It was kept pretty hush hush until then, and even with repeated calls to them and e-mails, I never got to talk to them just the kids. I kind of figured it out, they were never into accepting pity, or wanted people to feel sorry for them, plus I believed they were busy of making sure Sharron was heading in the right direction of recovery.

Then earlier this week, I recieved a phone call on my way to my daughters softball game, and it was Pops. It was so wonderful to hear his grumpy deep voice that I started to cry and was so happy to finally hear a word from them. But little did I know what news came next.

We decided to meet up the next day and catch up on our Lives and all. And as Life would have it, it always has to throw a monkey wrench into mine. My car decided not start the next day, I had to have someone take a look at it, so I was stranded at home, with no way of seeing them. Well Pops offered to come over to my house to pick me up, and believe me that when I saw him, it was like just old times. Same ole Pops with his southern accent and opinion and all. I loved it. But on our way to their friends house which they were visiting, he told me the bad news. That Sharron is at stage 4 with the Cancer and that it had metostized into her lungs. That the chemo was not doing its job anymore. How devastating, I was in shock, I didn’t want to believe it. And then I saw her, and I just lost it. It was like someone just took a piece of my heart and squeezed it really tight it hurt so bad. And she was so calm, so peaceful, and told me not to cry and we were hugging for the longest time, and I realized how much I missed her hugs, how much I missed her voice telling me it is going to be okay. The same voice that had told me that many of times before when it got tough and was there to pick me back up so I could be the person that, as she put it ” My higher Power wanted me to be”.

As we spent the evening together, I couldn’t help but realize that she and pops were at peace with her dying, both have a aura surrounding them, that just makes you feel peaceful. I wanted to be so angry but I couldn’t, all I felt was love, no anger, no disappointment, no resentment.
My kids got to see them the next day, and it was heart breaking to watch them. Alex especially. Since Sharron and Pops never had any girls, only boys, they just spoiled her rotten, and to see Sharron again, giving Alex her great hugs and encouraging her and telling her it was okay was amazing.

We have spent so far every minute we can together, to make the most out of the time they are here. We are laughing and remembering the good times and sad times that we had. And for some odd reason I couldn’t help but think, how amazing it is, that again they have re-entered my life at a time, where there is a lot of things going on, that I need strength to get through.

We want to make the most of it, come Monday they will be on their way back home. I wish I could hold on to them, and not have them leave, because I don’t want this to end, this great friendship that we have forged. I want to hold on to the kindest people that I have met, with hearts so big and so much strength, to make you feel like you can take on the rest of the world all by yourself. But that would be very selfish of me. So I have to just hold on to the memories and keep her alive in my heart and try to do my best of being the ” Person my higher power” wants me to be.

What demons we may bear…

The headlines this week in our local newspaper covered a local man’s suicide. He took a gun to his head and shot himself and was found dead last Sunday. He was 34 years old, married with 2 small kids. He was a well liked professional person, and I got a chance to meet him last year at a Baseball game. I know that todays Funeral will be a big event in this town, because of his impact not just in his professional life but also in his personal life he had on people.

There was no suicide note found, at least the Sheriff’s office is not saying, there were no signs of him being troubled, everyone that knew him was or is in shock over this. No one know’s what was troubling him so badly to drive him to this decision. Yes, there are certainly rumors flying around, which I won’t go into, since they are just rumors and it would be unfair to him or his family to make such accusations without any kind of proof.

My first thought was ” How selfish of him”, to take his life and leave his wife and kids this way. How selfish of him to leave his wife and kids wonder if they did something to drive him to this decision, or if they missed any signs of him being suicidal.
But then I thought about it. What kind of demons did he have that made him come to this decision, that this was the only way out of this situation? He had it all, a wonderful job, great community relations, a great wife, awesome kids, did he suffer from depression that no-one knew about? Did that contribute to his suicide?
No one knows, and I guess we will never know. The demons he carried won. But his friends and family are left to grief and wonder what happened.

If you are depressed,troubled and think or contemplate to end your life, that this is the only way out, seek help please. There are lots of support groups, professional help and centers that are here to help you. Talk to your friends, family. Committing suicide may be the easy way out of all your troubles, but it will leave a hole in the people that you leave behind that can never be filled. Don’t let the demons win.

Have yourself a Merry Christmas

Christmas is almost here. And while you are juggling getting last minute gifts, baking and decorating and making everything festive for the family, I hope you are able to take a minute and reflect on the good things that have happened to you over the past year. In uncertain times like these, it is hard to remember the things that you do have, because the bad things that may have happened to you are overshadowing the good. The economy being a mess, our troops fighting for us in other countries, many friends loosing their jobs and subsequently their home. It makes it kind of hard to remember the better part of your life.

Here are a few things that I am grateful for this Christmas:

It’s been a year now, since I had major surgery and had to spent the pre-holidays in the Hospital. This year I am grateful that I get to spend it here at home. I am grateful that I get to have another Christmas with my family.

My kids. I am so very blessed to have kids, that have grown into such wonderful young adults, with everything they had to endure while growing up, the odds were against them and they have beaten them.

My Job, it may not be a lot and it may be at times nerve wrecking, but I am grateful that I can still provide for my family, when many others cannot.

A roof over our heads. It may not be a lot, but it is still home.

Friends. I am grateful for the many friends I have, that care and are there for me when I need a helping hand. That will listen when I need to talk, that have a good advise, and that I can laugh with.

These are things that I am grateful for this Christmas, and no amount of presents can replace them. And I am certainly going to try not take any of them for granted.
So from my house to yours, have a merry Christmas and enjoy the little things that makes it all worth while.

Vacation time

Yes I am on vacation. A vacation that I actually look forward too, even though it is spent with 130 kids for 5 days and other Band Parents that chose to do the same. So you might say, that I am crazy. Vacation means no work, relaxation, good times.
Well we don’t look at it that way. Yes we do work, yes we have 130 kids to watch over, but we get to see these kids come to together as a Band, we get to know them better and we enjoy them. Yes, sometimes we get to a point were we say kids are icky, but if I personally look at the Seniors this year, I can go back and remember them when they started as Freshmen. And it brings up a lot of memories and it makes you proud and sad in the same time. For me this year it is bittersweet. Alex is a Junior, and next year she will be a Senior, a point I thought in years past she would not be, she tried to quit band several times, but the Directors and I would not let her. If we would have let her, she would surely regret it next year.

Anyway, we also have fun. The group of Chaperones that goes, has a great sense of humor. If you don’t have that, then you are at the wrong camp. Kids look at us and think we are weird. Directors have denied knowing us, and also threatened to sent us home if we were not to ship shape up ( of course they would not do that) or even joined in. And we also get yelled at from the Podium to keep quiet, kids love that when they Chaperones get told to knock it off.

It is always amazing, to see the kids take a piece of music and charts and get it all together. The talent they possess is absolutely astonishing. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer for some to realize what it means to be in the Big Red Marching Band and the Tradition that comes with it and the responsibility until they walk out the doors, march down the road to the football field and see the crowd that they have to perform for. Then it hits them..WOW…this is what all that hard work was all about. And it is even sweeter when they walk away with Trophies from a Competition.
The hardest part is when we loose some kids, because they choose not to continue with Band and quit. Lot’s of kids in this program don’t have the support system or structure at home, and every year we hear it over and over at the Senior Bon Fire, that this Band is their family, that this is were they made best friends, and helped them through their problems they have to face in their Lives. That this made them strive for better grades, to make them a better person, and when you hear this coming from someone that came in with a defensive attitute, thinking they know it all better, you know that something was done right and you hope they stay on the right path.
So yes my vacation time is spent at Band camp and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Go Big Reds!

Something a little dear to me

I was pondering of a blogpost for a couple of days now, and since I have nothing funny to report, I thought I would write about something I have been doing for the longest time it seems but it is very rewarding.

It is volunteering. Yes, the threatful V-word. How many people I see roll their eyes or look around in the room when this word comes up, it is unbelievable.

I have been involved in many of things. It first started with Little League. My Son was moving from T-ball up to the Minor Division, when a friend of mine dragged me to the local leagues board meeting and the next thing I’m on the board. I spend the following 8 years as a treasurer, coach, president, umpire, score keeper and adopted mother to many kids. Spend the majority of my Summer at the ball field, and trust me by the time the season was done, I did not want to see another Hot Dog. Now I am just on District level as a Assistant District Administrator. I like it, but I do miss watching more games and getting to know the kids better.

Then there is Band, Softball, Drama club, Volleyball and Soccer. But as with most, it is almost always the same group of people that are involved in about any of the things I was involved in due to the fact the same kids seemed to be involved. I also got roped in volunteering for a local optimist club for their fundraisers.

And you know what, as much as I gave up of my time to do something for other people or kids, I knew it was a good thing and that also meant I could be there for my kids and show them that I support them in anything they were doing.

The best part of all of this is, when you have kids remember you because of it. And when they tell you that you made a difference in their live because of something you may have said or done. I was really proud of my daughter, when she signed up for a Volunteer group here in town, that went and did different community projects all over. And she had fun doing it also. There are so many kids out there that really could use some good influence or someone good in their life. So if you have some time to spare, or your son or daughter is playing a sport or doing some other activity, see if you can volunteer for something. You have no clue how much it is appreciated and what good may come out of it. You might make a difference in someones life.

Four year olds…

Yesterday I was asked by a close friend if I could watch her 4 year old grand daughter, while she had her Carpet cleaned. I agreed, since I have watched this little 4 year old before and she is just a doll, and it has been awhile since I have seen her. The last time was at my Son’s open house last summer.

So I went to my friends house, and right away I was greeted by ” Here are my stamps and we are going to do these” ” Can we go to your house?” ” Where are my boots?” “Do you have a dog?” Oh boy….I knew I was in trouble…

Bundled her up, cause it was just a tat bit snowy outside, got her in the car seat and proceeded to drive home while “Can you roll down my window?” ” No hun, it is snowing.” ” My name is ______, not hun.” Woah..okay..lol..guess that won’t fly. “I am hungry”..” Okay we can have something to eat at my house.” ” I like Burger King. Can we go to Burger king?” ” Sure we can go to Burger King, what do you like at Burger King?” “
I like Chicken nuggets with fries and honey.”…”You mean Honey mustard sauce?” ..” No honey sauce.” Okay well i know they don’t carry honey at Burger king, so I said ” Well I have Honey sauce at home.” Thanks godness she believed me.

We got home with the Burger king, I figured by the time I got back I already answered 30 questions. And just for you out there, Burger King starts with a K..not with a B..I was mistaken all these years..

We ate the food, and then it was Stamp time. So we had 10 packages her grandma packed in a bag, and naturally she wanted all 10 opened. I am like “No, lets just do a couple first and see.” ” No we need to do all of them, because some of them are flowers, some of them have fishies and apples” ” Okay I guess we will do all of them.” Needless to say after a half an hour that was done and over with. On to games.

“Do you have any games on your Computer?” ” Hmm..not for someone as little as you small stuff.” ” I am not small stuff, my name is________’” Oops sorry, I forgot. Well luckily I found some pre-loaded kid game on the Laptop and we baked cakes, and played memory. And just to let you all know I lost control over the Laptop. She knew what to do.

“I don’t want to do that anymore, can we play something else?” Okay, so I googled kids shows, and it brought me to PBS kids page, and low and behold she knew some of them. So I had to play the games with her, watch the videos they showed, institute snack time because ” Under these circumstances…” Yes that is what she said, under these circumstances, a little four year old. She reminded me of my daughter when she was that little, coming up with big words, only my daughters was constipated.

So I spent an afternoon with a four year old, which was fun and that reminded me again, that at four years old the world is a fun interesting uncomplicated place to be in. And that Burger King starts with a K.

On the serious side

As all of you can see from my blog entries, I am usually a very funny person. Humor is important to me. I don’t think that Life without a daily laugh is good. Don’t get me wrong, I have my days were I am down and were I do not feel like laughing, but eventually I will crack a smile and hopefully move on from thinking about the sad thing in my Life.

But here is a subject that is near and dear to me. And it is on the serious side, because it affected me so tremendously, I still have to deal with the after effects of it in my daily life.
The subject is mental abuse. Yes I had it. And it took me years after I was divorced to realize that I was still suffering of the effect from years of abuse.
I was married to an Alcoholic, and to realize that and come to terms with that alone, took a lot for me. Because that was not supposed to happen to me. How could it. Maybe I knew in the back of my head, but did not want to acknowledge it, acknowledging it would have meant failure. Failure of my Marriage, Relationship with a Man that everyone thought was doomed from the day I left Germany for him, you know the “I told you so” sayers. He tried to hit me once in his drunken state, but his Mother actually stopped him. So instead of beating me, he continued with the mental abuse. And that hurts more then a beating, the beating pain will stop, but the mental abuse will scar you forever.
Over the years of my Marriage I was told that I was not pretty enough, that I needed to change my looks about every 3 months to make him look good. Long hair, short hair, different color, loose weight, dress differently, what ever he could come up with to put me down.
Abuse about the meals I cooked. Some meals were not good enough for him to eat, so I was told what I had to use to make them and how to cook. At one point he even told me I needed to get recipes from his Mom to learn how to cook like her.
The house was never clean enough, even though he was the main reason why. The laundry needed to be done a certain way. I veered off the course with a different Laundry detergent, hell was to be paid.
The biggest one was that I was not Woman enough to keep him home, that if I was more sexually active with him, he would not be drinking and going out and having a good time.
He used our second child that I was pregnant for, labeling her as a mistake in his drunken state to get me to break down, to this day I still believe he tried to get me to miscarry or deliver the baby early.
But he always put on a show for everyone else to see, on what a great guy he was and show me off and make himself look good. And everybody thought he was such a great guy, all the while I am thinking you guys just don’t know.

These are just a few of the examples that are on the top of my head, there are many more. And ever so often while I am doing something, somehow something will get triggered and I remember something and I start crying because that is the kind of effect this man had on me.
12 years I spend with this Man, I had 2 children with him, that I made my Life long before he walked out on us, because I couldn’t cut it anymore in making him happy and as a Wife. I spend 3 months crying, till I got raving mad finally and went to an Attorney and filed for Divorce. I borrowed the $500 from a friend, who said don’t worry of paying that back to get the Papers filed. His mother to this day thinks, I should have not done this and waited for him to come back. Are you nuts? That was the best thing I did after crying and thinking my Life was over, no way was I going back to this. But I still did not realize that I had a problem, that 5 years later I finally broke down and realized that the once proud, stubborn, strong woman from Germany, which came from a stubborn stock, was actually a mental abuse victim. And for me to realize that, my friend took me to an ALO-NON meeting. People that have Alcoholism or just the Abuse in their Life, learned how to deal with it through the support of these group meetings. And there I realized that I am not supposed to be abused, that I am a person that is worth something. That I can hold my head on high and say “Screw you” to the abuser in my life. I learned to stand tall and stand up for me and my kids and not be a victim. And trust me, he did not like it and I was nervous as hell, and my Adrenaline was pumping and I was shaking, but when I stood up to him the first time, afterwards I felt like Goliath and cried, because I finally found me again. The Woman that I once was.

Trust me it took me awhile to really learn to handle him or any of my ex-inlaws which are mostly all alcoholics. And where abuse is rampant. Mentally and Physically. I started to stick up for myself to the Ex-mother in-law. I made boundaries, rules, and they did not like it. But it saved me from going down a path of feeling like I am worth nothing, a path of self destruction and repeatability with my kids. I re-learned on being a person. I am still learning, day by day, but it gets better and easier.

So if you are a Female or Male ( yes Men can be abused too) that has someone in their Life that abuses you, be it Physically or Mentally, please seek help. You do not need to live your Life like that. You are a person that is worth something. And help is out there, you do not have to be alone. It won’t be a piece of cake, I am not gonna lie, but it will get better and be better, because it can be done.
If you need help or just want someone to talk too, you can find me on Twitter as Paulina1, direct message me.  Everything you write to me will stay confidential. I won’t make you feel bad for being in this situation, I will listen and give you advise that I learned through the support of many a people that went through the same thing. I will help you on finding a support group, a shelter for you and if you have kids to be safe. I just don’t want you feel you are alone in this and there is no help. Because there is. It is the first step to get help that is the hardest and after that it gets easier. Remember I have been there and done it, and for me to see Woman or Men in a position that I was in, breaks my heart. Noone should go through that, so please seek help.
 

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Got to do it again.

Alright, I know you all are just so excited to read about me bragging about my kids. But I have too. The last couple of weeks have just been so great with them, I have to brag. No other way around it.

Number one, both have turned into a Mother hen and Father rooster when it came to taking care of me. They went way out of their way of doing things for me and making sure I was alright then I would have expected them too.

Number two, there was no fighting. The time we spent together was very enjoyable. Yes, there was a little biggering here and there, but none of that constant mud slinging back and forth, that usually makes me leave the house and not come back for an hour. They got along so well and were fun to be around with.

Number three, they love me and I love them. I could not ask for better kids then the two I have. And today I realized that I love the Boyfriend and Girlfriend too. Breakfast today was fun and I realized that they compliment each other. My daughter is the more aggressive one, her boyfriend the more subtle one. My Son the cautious one, his Girlfriend the more taking a chance one.

Just how did I get so lucky? I don’t know. But tonight when I dropped my Son back off at his Dorm, I realized I would not want to change anything, and no matter what bull crap I went through in years past, even when you say I wish I knew back then what I know now so you don’t make the mistake, it was all worth it. My kids are proof.

Today’s kids…

Twice a year here in Michigan, the public school system has a Student count day that determines how much funding the school gets from the State for each pupil. Every year we get a reminder by phone or by the Principle at each school that your child attends to make sure your kid attends school that day.
So some schools, throw Ice cream parties, pizza parties and various other things now to lure the kids into school that day. It is really sad to think that you have to coax the kids into school by throwing a party. Whatever happened to Parents giving their kids the riot act and letting them know they have to attend school at any day of the week that school is in session? No ifs and buts about it. Unless the child is sick or there is a emergency it is acceptable not to attend. My kids know, if I get a call from School that they missed a day, bet your bottom dollar that I will personally escort them from class to class and it will take only 1 time of embaressment for them not to do it.  The example that is being set to the kids by their own Parents for not enforcing the school attends rule, and allowing this to happen will only continue later in their life when they are supposed to be productive members of society and hold a job. Easy come, easy go.

So many kids nowadays don’t understand or recognize the fact, that a Employer has this unlimited pool of people to choose from that need jobs. Just Friday at the beginning of our local high school football, we had kids from the Band stand in the end zone, because they arrived late at School and were punished by not being able to perform in the pre-game performance. We had 2 boys that disagreed with that punishment and decided to walk out and go home. I asked one of them if he thought that later in life when he has a job if his late arrival would be acceptable to his Employer? His answer? Not if you call first. Hold it there buster, you don’t understand even with a call ahead of time it is a strike against you, and if you do it another time you will loose your job. The sad part is, that Parents will go and side with their child, even though you are trying to teach this child responsibilty and hold him accountable for his actions which all of us have to do in our lifes. And then they act all amazed and in shock come time for Parent-Teacher conferences, when they find out that their child is failing because of his attendence of class or missed assignments. Hello!!!! You let this happen, now accept the fact that you screwed up and fix it. Don’t make it someone else’s problem like the school, and accuse them of not making your child attend school or get his work done. You are the Parent now be one. The school is not a babysitting service, the school is there for your child to learn.

Welcome to a generation that needs Ice cream socials and Pizza parties to be motivated to attend school. Wonder what they will need later on in life to go to work…