What demons we may bear…

The headlines this week in our local newspaper covered a local man’s suicide. He took a gun to his head and shot himself and was found dead last Sunday. He was 34 years old, married with 2 small kids. He was a well liked professional person, and I got a chance to meet him last year at a Baseball game. I know that todays Funeral will be a big event in this town, because of his impact not just in his professional life but also in his personal life he had on people.

There was no suicide note found, at least the Sheriff’s office is not saying, there were no signs of him being troubled, everyone that knew him was or is in shock over this. No one know’s what was troubling him so badly to drive him to this decision. Yes, there are certainly rumors flying around, which I won’t go into, since they are just rumors and it would be unfair to him or his family to make such accusations without any kind of proof.

My first thought was ” How selfish of him”, to take his life and leave his wife and kids this way. How selfish of him to leave his wife and kids wonder if they did something to drive him to this decision, or if they missed any signs of him being suicidal.
But then I thought about it. What kind of demons did he have that made him come to this decision, that this was the only way out of this situation? He had it all, a wonderful job, great community relations, a great wife, awesome kids, did he suffer from depression that no-one knew about? Did that contribute to his suicide?
No one knows, and I guess we will never know. The demons he carried won. But his friends and family are left to grief and wonder what happened.

If you are depressed,troubled and think or contemplate to end your life, that this is the only way out, seek help please. There are lots of support groups, professional help and centers that are here to help you. Talk to your friends, family. Committing suicide may be the easy way out of all your troubles, but it will leave a hole in the people that you leave behind that can never be filled. Don’t let the demons win.

Tough decisions..

Once in a while you encounter a situation that as a human being you feel compelled to step in and try to make it better or help the other person. But sometimes, you have to make the tough decision on not to give in to this urge and let the other person work out their problems on their own.

Right now and it has been for a while now, I have been in a situation like this, were I felt compelled to help and reach out and offer advice, only to watch this Person to continue on the same path. A path that undoubtedly does not benefit them nor improve their Life.

I understand that humans can fall into this trap of depression, this state of despair, like there is no hope or solution or even anything better. I’ve been there and yes I occasionally I still tend to wander there. But it is one thing to give in, complain about it or half heartedly seek a solution to it. Or perhaps wait for a miracle?

So yes , I made the decision to step back and let it be. I was getting more frustrated in this Persons decision-making then it was worth, and caused me to be angry about this easy come, easy go attitude. And it became obvious to me, that this Person is not willing to take the proverbial Bull by the horn and do something to make a change in their Life for themselves or the people surrounding them. I know it is easier said then done, and perhaps some of you readers might think I am being selfish. But one thing I learned back in my days in Al-Anon, you cannot control a situation or make a situation better for the other Person if they are not willing to make the changes themselves.

So yes this was a tough decision to make, to separate myself from that Person and hope that they will find the energy, the motivation one day to make the changes themselves, that they can be proud of for doing it on their own.

On the serious side

As all of you can see from my blog entries, I am usually a very funny person. Humor is important to me. I don’t think that Life without a daily laugh is good. Don’t get me wrong, I have my days were I am down and were I do not feel like laughing, but eventually I will crack a smile and hopefully move on from thinking about the sad thing in my Life.

But here is a subject that is near and dear to me. And it is on the serious side, because it affected me so tremendously, I still have to deal with the after effects of it in my daily life.
The subject is mental abuse. Yes I had it. And it took me years after I was divorced to realize that I was still suffering of the effect from years of abuse.
I was married to an Alcoholic, and to realize that and come to terms with that alone, took a lot for me. Because that was not supposed to happen to me. How could it. Maybe I knew in the back of my head, but did not want to acknowledge it, acknowledging it would have meant failure. Failure of my Marriage, Relationship with a Man that everyone thought was doomed from the day I left Germany for him, you know the “I told you so” sayers. He tried to hit me once in his drunken state, but his Mother actually stopped him. So instead of beating me, he continued with the mental abuse. And that hurts more then a beating, the beating pain will stop, but the mental abuse will scar you forever.
Over the years of my Marriage I was told that I was not pretty enough, that I needed to change my looks about every 3 months to make him look good. Long hair, short hair, different color, loose weight, dress differently, what ever he could come up with to put me down.
Abuse about the meals I cooked. Some meals were not good enough for him to eat, so I was told what I had to use to make them and how to cook. At one point he even told me I needed to get recipes from his Mom to learn how to cook like her.
The house was never clean enough, even though he was the main reason why. The laundry needed to be done a certain way. I veered off the course with a different Laundry detergent, hell was to be paid.
The biggest one was that I was not Woman enough to keep him home, that if I was more sexually active with him, he would not be drinking and going out and having a good time.
He used our second child that I was pregnant for, labeling her as a mistake in his drunken state to get me to break down, to this day I still believe he tried to get me to miscarry or deliver the baby early.
But he always put on a show for everyone else to see, on what a great guy he was and show me off and make himself look good. And everybody thought he was such a great guy, all the while I am thinking you guys just don’t know.

These are just a few of the examples that are on the top of my head, there are many more. And ever so often while I am doing something, somehow something will get triggered and I remember something and I start crying because that is the kind of effect this man had on me.
12 years I spend with this Man, I had 2 children with him, that I made my Life long before he walked out on us, because I couldn’t cut it anymore in making him happy and as a Wife. I spend 3 months crying, till I got raving mad finally and went to an Attorney and filed for Divorce. I borrowed the $500 from a friend, who said don’t worry of paying that back to get the Papers filed. His mother to this day thinks, I should have not done this and waited for him to come back. Are you nuts? That was the best thing I did after crying and thinking my Life was over, no way was I going back to this. But I still did not realize that I had a problem, that 5 years later I finally broke down and realized that the once proud, stubborn, strong woman from Germany, which came from a stubborn stock, was actually a mental abuse victim. And for me to realize that, my friend took me to an ALO-NON meeting. People that have Alcoholism or just the Abuse in their Life, learned how to deal with it through the support of these group meetings. And there I realized that I am not supposed to be abused, that I am a person that is worth something. That I can hold my head on high and say “Screw you” to the abuser in my life. I learned to stand tall and stand up for me and my kids and not be a victim. And trust me, he did not like it and I was nervous as hell, and my Adrenaline was pumping and I was shaking, but when I stood up to him the first time, afterwards I felt like Goliath and cried, because I finally found me again. The Woman that I once was.

Trust me it took me awhile to really learn to handle him or any of my ex-inlaws which are mostly all alcoholics. And where abuse is rampant. Mentally and Physically. I started to stick up for myself to the Ex-mother in-law. I made boundaries, rules, and they did not like it. But it saved me from going down a path of feeling like I am worth nothing, a path of self destruction and repeatability with my kids. I re-learned on being a person. I am still learning, day by day, but it gets better and easier.

So if you are a Female or Male ( yes Men can be abused too) that has someone in their Life that abuses you, be it Physically or Mentally, please seek help. You do not need to live your Life like that. You are a person that is worth something. And help is out there, you do not have to be alone. It won’t be a piece of cake, I am not gonna lie, but it will get better and be better, because it can be done.
If you need help or just want someone to talk too, you can find me on Twitter as Paulina1, direct message me.  Everything you write to me will stay confidential. I won’t make you feel bad for being in this situation, I will listen and give you advise that I learned through the support of many a people that went through the same thing. I will help you on finding a support group, a shelter for you and if you have kids to be safe. I just don’t want you feel you are alone in this and there is no help. Because there is. It is the first step to get help that is the hardest and after that it gets easier. Remember I have been there and done it, and for me to see Woman or Men in a position that I was in, breaks my heart. Noone should go through that, so please seek help.
 

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What would you do?

We all have our favorite TV shows. Mine are CSI Miami and Vegas, never got into the New York one though. Then there is Criminal Minds. I always think I should take up Criminalogy, because it is very interesting and 9 yrs. of watching CSI, I think I have the equivilant of a College degree for criminology and would qualify for a position. Just kidding folks…

Anyway my other favorite show is Eli Stone. I got drawn into this Laywers world with his visions last year. And that is what brings up todays question. What would you do if you had those visions oversudden? Would you seek out the nearest insane asylum and put your name in for the next available padded cell? Or would you continue living your life and dismissing the visions? Would you be bold enough to explore them, and help or fight for a complete stranger or friend, and run the risk of being stamped mentally insane and then getting your chance for a padded cell?

I am not sure what I would do. First off I’d see if a bottle of wine would cure it. And then pay for it with a hangover. I definately be scared. And it would occupy my mind all day. But I am not sure if I would act on it. I am sure, lots of people think it is a gift and you should feel blessed, but I suppose until this actually happens to you, you won’t know what you would do.

It would be interesting to see what other people think, so leave a comment on if you want to be a saviour, helper a visionary per say, or just rather take the bottle of wine and hope for the best.